Friday, January 23, 2009

My "Contribution" Of 25 Things

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to achieve “Ass-Hole Status”. Those of you who have taken that giant leap know what I mean. It must be a one of a kind feeling. I’ve never quite made it. I came close a few times. But I always fell just a little bit short. Maybe this will do the trick. I’m taking “100 Things” to the next level. But I’m only doing 25. The knife blade broke off while I was digging into my brain for these. So this is all there is. So here’s “25 Things” I didn’t know about myself until they came to me in a dream about five minutes from now.
1: Contrary to popular belief, I invented the Internet.

2: I lost my virginity to your sister.

3: I believe Global Warming is caused by Mexican Food.

4: I was on the Hollywood set when they filmed the Moon Landing.

5: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

6: I was once eaten by a Great White. He shit me out after five minutes.

7: While in the Army, I had Sergeant Stripes tattooed on my di*k so I could pull Rank.

8: I was raised by wild dogs until the age of 17.

9: I once snorkeled to the wreck of the Titanic.

10: I have been to Jupiter twice.

11: I shot J.R.

12: I have never been on a motorcycle. All the pictures were Photoshopped.

13: I fart after I piss to blow-dry my balls.

14: I was a secret agent for the CIA.

15: I quit that job to work for the KGB.

16: I quit that job because the drugs sucked.

17: I have been abducted by Aliens five times.

18: I have a eye on my left shoulder.

19: I can smoke a cigarette with my right ear.

20: I can fart through my eye sockets.

21: I’ve had sex with Aliens from three Planets.

22: I can piss in rainbow colors.

23: I often sleep while I’m typingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

24: I was the body double in the movie “The Blob”.

25: I think I’m having a mental breakdown. Right Frigg’in Now!!!


Ann said...

LMFAO!!! Sorry, Dr. have still not acheived asshole status in my eyes. You just made me blow water out my nose! :)

"Joker" said...

I really don't recommend #7. I had the New Testament tattooed on my playing field, and it hurt like hell!

mrs rc said...

Somehow I don't think I could take any more than 25! I'm already dying here!!!!

Dean "D-Day" said...

#17: Abducted by aliens, eh?
The alien anal probes would explain your crabby asshole demeanor.

B.B. said...

Well, I guess I have to say that you're the second nicest asshole I know. ;)

KT Did said...

I want to grow up and be just like you.

Willy D said...

Ann: Whad’a mean “no”? Whats ya gots ta did ta bez an arse-hole a’rond here?

“Joker”: I assume that was the “small” pocket sized version ;]

mrs rc: My brain doesn’t have anymore!

Dean: “asshole demeanor”. Damn, that’s close. But no cigar :(

B.B.: Finally! Someone who knows a asshole when they see one!

KT: Oh no you don’t ! Trust me.

Lady Ridesalot said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! I was laughing so hard, Harley came in to see what was so funny. As I was re-reading through the list with him, we stopped on #13 and howled. Harley says, "Hell, that's nothing new. I blow dry my balls all the time!" I'm still laughing.

Here's to Assholes' all over the world! May they never cease to exist!

Mastercheif said...

Ok, you win. I pissed myself first! I read pulling rank and the dam broke! Sad thing is, I bet there all true!

Willy D said...

Lady R: Harley’s the man! Kind’ a gives him that deep down warm fuzzy feeling ;)
Assholes’ rock!!

Mastercheif: The package of “Depends” is in the mail. Why is it a “sad thing” if they’re true? Sounds like the well-rounded life of a asshole to me.

Mr. Motorcycle said...

Asshole Status reached. You may now exit the ride.

You were born an asshole, and you just grew bigger. Now you are officially a really big asshole! LOL!

Willy D said...

Mr. M: Thank you; thank you very much (in my best Elvis voice) ;)