It has been a lifelong dream of mine to achieve “Ass-Hole Status”. Those of you who have taken that giant leap know what I mean. It must be a one of a kind feeling. I’ve never quite made it. I came close a few times. But I always fell just a little bit short. Maybe this will do the trick. I’m taking “100 Things” to the next level. But I’m only doing 25. The knife blade broke off while I was digging into my brain for these. So this is all there is. So here’s “25 Things” I didn’t know about myself until they came to me in a dream about five minutes from now.
1: Contrary to popular belief, I invented the Internet.
2: I lost my virginity to your sister.
3: I believe Global Warming is caused by Mexican Food.
4: I was on the Hollywood set when they filmed the Moon Landing.
5: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
6: I was once eaten by a Great White. He shit me out after five minutes.
7: While in the Army, I had Sergeant Stripes tattooed on my di*k so I could pull Rank.
8: I was raised by wild dogs until the age of 17.
9: I once snorkeled to the wreck of the Titanic.
10: I have been to Jupiter twice.
11: I shot J.R.
12: I have never been on a motorcycle. All the pictures were Photoshopped.
13: I fart after I piss to blow-dry my balls.
14: I was a secret agent for the CIA.
15: I quit that job to work for the KGB.
16: I quit that job because the drugs sucked.
17: I have been abducted by Aliens five times.
18: I have a eye on my left shoulder.
19: I can smoke a cigarette with my right ear.
20: I can fart through my eye sockets.
21: I’ve had sex with Aliens from three Planets.
22: I can piss in rainbow colors.
23: I often sleep while I’m typingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.
24: I was the body double in the movie “The Blob”.
25: I think I’m having a mental breakdown. Right Frigg’in Now!!!