A Politically Correct Christmas

T’was the night before layoffs,
And all through the shop,
The foreman was screaming,
Just blowing his top.

The boss was all cozy,
In his overstuffed chair,
Counting his bonus,
Without shedding a tear.

The workers were begging,
To stay on the clock,
Their bills were all due,
The foreclosures won’t stop.

The presents were all wrapped,
With great love and care,
With hopes that the taxman,
Would soon not be there.

The taxman arrived,
Their candles he doused,
He said you must leave here,
This is no longer your house.

Out into the night,
For shelter they seeked,
No doors would be opened,
The neighbors would not speak.

They died in the cold,
From hunger and frost,
The Republic is crumbling,
Our Country maybe lost.

When Hell Freezes Over

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

Of course, the corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven...thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh My God."

This student received the only "A" in the class.

Pet Gift Ideas

Some people have pet dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, snakes etc.. etc.. The Blogs have a pet sasquatch. I’m sure he lurking around here someplace. I’ve often wondered just what to get a sasquatch for Christmas. When I saw these, I knew they would be the perfect gifts.

[Sorry Masterchief, the little voices in my head said do it. So I done it.]

Just Politics

This has nothing to do with bikes, just politics. This is a commentary from KSCO radio in Santa Cruz, CA. When I heard it I thought it was the best scientific explanation of how our government works I had ever heard.

First, the radio station: One of the last privately owned stations that I know of. Talk format. Mostly live call-in shows. Host all live local. Some syndication at night.

Second, Kay Zwerling: Kay is the mother of the station owner. I had the honor of meeting Kay on Flag Day this year. KSCO sponsors a Flag Day event each year. Kay is a small woman, 70 something years old. After spending some time with her these are my thoughts on Kay: Kay is what I call a spitfire, and she won’t take sh*t from anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever meet anyone who loves this country more. But I got the impression that she thinks the “Powers That Be” are a-holes. I have listened to, and read a lot of Kay’s commentaries. She has two types. Type 1 will have you ROTFLUFAO. Type 2 will have you reaching for the KY-Jelly because you know you’re about to get screwed again.

2008-12-12 Posted At : 3:29 PM Posted By : KSCO PodcastsRelated Categories: Podcasts
The following is a KSCO commentary. Here is Kay Zwerling. I didnﾒt know this exciting information, but Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element Governmentium has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called Peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, but it takes from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half life of two to six years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentiumﾒs mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads many scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass (or morasses). When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. So, kudos to the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory for discovering this heaviest element yet known to science ﾖ and further kudos to my business buddy and friend, Michael Olson, for apprising us of this stunning information. Now, We the People can see why Governmentium is in a constant state of confusium and corruptium. For KSCO, this is Kay Zwerling. ﾩ copyright 2008

Snow? In Monterey, CA?

OK OK. What goes around comes around. I’ve been making fun of the folks who live in the colder parts of our country. Well we got a little taste of, how should I put it, colder than us wussies would care for weather. This mourning it was 31 degrees when I left for work. Yes, that’s a heat wave to some of you. And it rained last night. It took ten minutes for the ice to melt on my windshield. No, I did not scrape it off. I just sat in my truck with the heater blasting until I could see through that nasty stuff. It was to damn cold to get out. Both my right side windows were frozen shut and would not go down.

Yea, I know. I should have just jumped on a bike and went to work. But like I said, you get a little wussiefied with the normal weather here. Besides, there was ice on the roads. I just couldn’t resist playing with the traction control on some of the turns. That’s still fun.

Anyway, here are a few pictures of Mt. Toro and the Gabilan Mt. Range I took from my shop. They range in elevation from 1500 to 3000 Ft. and are about 15 miles away. That’s still a little to close for me. If those mountains move any closer I’ll have to fabricate some sort of snowcyclemobile.

Christmas Shopping Rant

I don’t know about anybody else, but this Christmas I will not be shopping at Wal-mart, Target or any large blood sucking corporate store that sells nothing but cheap Chinese shit. I will try to make damn sure every nickel I spend stays local. Our money needs to stay in this country.

There are plenty of small stores around. Just look. If I spend anything, I want to spend it with store owners who live here. Parking might be harder. Might not be as convenient as a big ass mall. But so what. I’m looking for products clearly labeled “Made In USA”, and sold by local merchants. If I can’t find it, I don’t need it or I’ll look elsewhere. I will definitely not buy any Harley-Davidson “Merchandise” that’s not made in this country.

I also won’t fault anyone else for shopping where they please. Money is tight. There have been lay-offs, cut backs, down sizing and so on. Times are tough. You gotta do what you gotta do. I’m just tired of “out-sourcing” my money, and will no longer buy based on a cheap price alone

I often have discussions and bitch about this stuff. So it’s about time I take my own advice. I may not be able to find some things made in the US. But I will look a lot closer and buy American made products when possible. So if anyone spots me in a “corporate” store, kick my ass and take my checkbook.

Now, having said all that, I just finished putting up a fake ass plastic Christmas tree. Made in China, purchased at Target in 2001.

Winter Chores Vs. Riding Time

After seeing the ice storms on the East Coast, I almost feel sorry for them folks. Dealing with that type of weather can really cut into your riding time. Shoveling snow, scraping ice off your bike, getting studded snow tires put on your bike. That all takes up valuable riding time. Well here in Calif. we have winter issues also. Take yesterday. While mowing the lawn I thought "damn, this is taking a long time". It was because of all the leaves. Usually I have to empty the grass catcher 2 or 3 times. With the leaves I have to empty it 8 or 9 times. That's wasted riding time.

Notice that the bikes are still in the garage? That's just not right! It' s all because of them leaves taking up time.
That's a lot of work hauling all them leaves to the yard waste container. It burns up riding time.

And do you see all the leaves left in the trees? Those things will be dropping for the next 2 to 3 months. That will really start to cut into time that could be better spent riding. Boy, are you folks on the East Coast lucky you don't have to deal with the rotten weather we have here.

All kidding aside, I hope all of you on the East Coast are safe. When I lived there I worked for the High-Way Dept. So being out in ice storms was our job. That stuff was deadly. Be safe.

The Problem With Politicians

When I saw this picture, I knew instantly what was wrong with our politicians today. Now the only question is: How to remove it?

Deer In The Headlights - Part II

Deer In The Headlights - Part II - A Ride In The Clouds

Sheriff Lowell stopped his Jeep one hundred feet from the cabin. He sat and stared straight ahead. After more than twenty years he still found himself spending many sleepless nights after performing this part of his duties.

As he approached the door, Susan, a forty three year old ex-dancer appeared in the doorway. Sheriff Lowell started to speak “ I don’t know how too…” Susan held up her hand and stopped him. “Yes, I know “ she said. “I felt it”. Susan motioned for him to sit on one of the tree stumps next to the door. She explained that she had meet Shotgun twelve years ago while working. She rode with him to his cabin one night and they had stayed together ever since. It really wasn’t much of a cabin. Two rooms and a woodstove. But it was all they had needed.

Sheriff Lowell had listened in silence. He was still trying to make sense of what had happened. As he started to speak he noticed a very peaceful look on Susan’s face. “We’re still not sure what happened,” he explained. “When we arrived at the scene, the motorcycle was almost literary wrapped around a tree. There was a pile of bloody clothes on the ground”. He looked at Susan, but her expression remained calm and peaceful. Continuing, the Sheriff said, “But the strange part is there was no body. No bones. No nothing”. We brought the dogs out and they found nothing either. The only thing we found were deer tracks on the soft shoulder. Two sets. Probably a Doe and her Fawn”. The sheriff paused and looked again at Susan. Still no change. “The investigators think that animals took him. I’m sorry Miss”. Susan just smiled and thanked him.

After several moments of silence, Sheriff Lowell said his condolences and headed for his car. Susan sat on the stump and watched as he vanished down the road heading away from the cabin. After the Sheriff was out of sight, she stood and walked toward the cabin. Susan stood in silence, smiling as she watched Shotgun roll the brand-new 53’ Chief, fully packed for the road, out the door and rest it on the kickstand. “Get into you riding clothes” Shotgun said. “We’ve got a three thousand mile ride to do”...

Having served many years in the military, mostly in communist countries, Shotgun was appalled at how Man could treat Man. When he got out he vowed to never harm anyone or anything that could not defend itself. When he saw the deer’s in his headlight, his decision was made. The only way out was blocked by a tree. Shotgun instantly made his peace with himself and headed toward the tree…

As Shotgun approached the Pearly Gates, the Gatekeeper was so taken with his act of unselfishness, that He gave him two options. Option one: He could stay there and ride the clouds for eternity. Or. Option two: Shotgun could return to Earth. But the Doe must take his place, thus making the Fawn an orphan. Shotgun took option one. The Gatekeeper hesitated a moment studying Shotgun, then said, “ Option three it is”. Before he could ask, Shotgun found himself engulfed in a blinding light. Moments later he was in his cabin next to Susan, sitting on his new bike.

The "Last" Thanksgiving

T’was the morn’ of Thanksgiving,
And all through the land,
The chickens were happy,
The turkeys in the pan.

The wigwams were warm,
The children were snug,
The blankets infected,
With the White Mans flu bug.

There arose on the Great Plains,
Such a deafen clatter,
They sprang from their Tee Pee’s,
To see what’s the matter.

They rode on great horses,
All gleaming of steel,
“We are the Pilgrims”,
“And we've got a deal”.

“We are the Natives”,
“And we’ll take your deal”,
“But first won’t you join us”,
“We’ll make you a meal”.

They sat and they ate,
The Medicine Man stood by,
He had such a smile,
A gleam in his eye.

The magic would work,
He had done it before,
The Pilgrims would be turkeys,
Just gobblers on the floor.

The Pilgrims did eat,
They cussed and they laughed,
The turkey was poisoned,
It gave them much gas.

The Pilgrims felt funny,
They couldn't be sure,
They had not seen magic,
No, not nowhere before.

The feathers did grow,
The wings they did sprout,
The Pilgrims were now turkeys,
That’s what Thanksgiving’s about.

There's always one sicko in the bunch. I have no problem volunteering .

Deer In The Headlights

Shotgun knew he was in trouble. The steady spray of oil from the front pushrod tube was a bad omen. He should have replaced the seals weeks ago. But ridding back and forth to work wasn't a issue for a minor leak. Besides, riding was better than wrenching. But this was different. This was a matter of survival. He hadn't planed on running the old Shovel at 100 mph for 35 miles at night with no option of stopping. Shotgun thought about his situation and wondered how in the hell it had happened...

Just another Friday. Get off work. A nice easy putt down to P&G's for a few cold ones and a couple games of 8-ball. Pulling into the parking lot he saw four or five bikes he recognized. After parking, Shotgun noticed about a dozen bikes parked together behind the bar. Walking in the side door he made note of the out of state plates on the unfamiliar bikes. Standing in the door a minute, he nodded to the bartender. The out of state riders were grouped around the pool tables. Shotgun took a stool at the end of the bar with his back to the wall. Ordering a cold one, he sat back to watch the action.

He had never heard of the M/C the strangers wore on their vests. He did notice they all had "OUTLAW" and 1%er patches. After three beers the call of the pool tables finally got to him. The game went pretty quick and Shotgun had won, as usual. The trouble started when the stranger he was playing said Shotgun had cheated and he wasn't paying the ten dollars they had bet. Just then he saw something out of the corner of his eye. Shotgun turned in time to see a fist coming at him. He sidestepped the sucker punch and swung his pool cue. He felt the cue connect and was sure he had broken someones jaw...

The spray of oil was starting to soak through his jeans. Shotgun had no idea how he got out of P&G's in one piece. All he knew now was that he had two, maybe three miles on the pack chasing him. About a quarter tank of gas, a oil leak and thirty five miles to safety. Shit! The red flicker of the oil pressure light caught his eye. Cursing at the dark, Shotgun look up and saw the deer in his headlight...

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So, just for sh*ts and giggles I figured I'd try my hand at a short story. Being inspired by some of what I've read on the Blogs, I thought why not. I've wrote about subjects I know, but never just made stuff up ( except excuses to my wife). I started typing and this is what came out. Any and all criticism, good and bad, would be greatly appreciated. Especially from our resident authors. Thanks.

And The Nobel Peace Prize For Fiction Goes To:

Big D of BIG DADDY'S IDLE THOUGHTS!

Any of you 40 or 50 something biker types that entered this world of two wheels on the kind of great fiction that sprang from the pages of Bike Rags like Easyriders in the 70's and 80's, listen up. Even some of you young snot-noses will enjoy this.

There's a new award-winning writer in town. Check out www.bigdaddynelson.blogspot.com Big Daddy's latest work of fiction, Desert Vengeance, is packed full of bikes, babes, more bikes, good guys, bad guys, brotherhood, respect, deceit, intrigue, suspense and more bikes.

The action is fast paced. The writing is superb. The locations are familiar. The detail is amazing. The story line is 100% factual and believable. No James Bond bullsh*t.

I would recommend to anyone who enjoys a action packed read you can't put down to click over and check it out. While your there, check out Big D's older post. You'll find more amazing works of fiction.

If you've never read Big D's writing before, new to the Blogs, or just surfing the Web and you like what you read, please feel free to leave a comment. If you don't like something, still feel free to leave a comment. Constructive criticism is one of the best tools we should all have the ability to use.

Veterans Day

As this is Veterans Day, I just wanted to say "thank you" to all the Veterans out there.

Sunday Mouring Rant

I don't usually rant or bitch in a public forum, but some of this crap is really pissing me off. This bailout shit is going to far. The government has nothing except what it takes from you. First, a crap load of people sign a mortgage there is no way in hell they can pay and we have to save them. Screw them! Then, big ass banks and mortgage companies get screwed because the above mentioned idiots can't make their payments. Who the fu*k decided to lend them the money? So we have to save them too, while the CEO's are making millions. Screw them too! Now we have to save the Big 3 car makers. Why? They say to re-tool to make more efficient autos. WTF have they been doing with their R&D money? Having party's? Paying billions to the big wigs? Double fu*k'n screw them! Did Toyota and Honda just start doing business here last week? Didn't these asshole see the writing on the wall? If they can't cut it, close your doors. Let someone who knows how to run a business take over.



Would it cost jobs? Probably. Could it cost me my job? Maybe, so be it. It might take 30-40% unemployment before folks start to march on government offices and say "What The Fu*k Are You Doing In There"? Who the hell are you representing? It sure as shit isn't us.



Everybody bitches about these morons in office. So how do you explain 80-90% of them getting re-elected year after year after year? Can you think of one damm thing your Congressman or Senator has done that has made a positive impact on your life? The only thing any of them have done is become a millionaire at our expense! Representative Republic my ass. Most voters are dumb asses. Stop voting for incumbents. One term, your ass is out, period.



And yes, we are to blame also. We let this shit happen. We are just as greedy. Any of you that are union members, sorry but, the modern union is bankrupting businesses and municipalities. Work for 20-30 years. Retire in your 40's or 50's. Receive 75-100% of your pay until you die. Plus full benefits. This is unsustainable and won't last long. Cities are already filling for bankruptcy because of it. Retirees pay is the biggest part of any budget. Where's the personal responsibility's? Where's the incentive to save for yourself? Gone. Cradle to Grave.



I don't know if the American Dream is dead or alive. Or if it's even awake. But I am sure that if we don't stop worrying about every little piss ant county on the earth, and start taking care of us, the US, we're screwed. One, maybe two generations will see a new country. "The United States Of America" will become "The United Socialist States Of America".



Now go for a ride and enjoy the freedoms we still have.

Birthday Present ?

This is the "gift bag" my daughter put my birthday present in the other day. I'm not sure if she was trying to send me a message, or if it was a joke. If it was a joke, I'll have to have a long talk with her mother about where she could have gotten such a warped sense of humor. I do know that I almost could have used it as soon as I read it!

What Do The Bikes Think ?

We here at BS Performance Systems are becoming increasingly concerned that the two-timing and lustful actions of our CFO / HMFIC will only get worse. We have heard all of his reasons and excuses for this type of behaviour. But we want the other side of the story. We want to know what the bikes think.



So after a recent factory demo test ride, we had our chance. We rounded up the test bike, a '09 Street Glide named "Whore". The forsaken "Tramp", a always faithful '08 Street Glide and the cheating, snake in the grass "Dave". We went to a top secret location that no ordinary folks are ever allowed in.



We wanted to know what the bikes thought of their rider. So we interviewed Whore first, then Tramp. They were asked to be completely open and honest. We then showed both the Whore, and Tramp interviews to Dave before he gave us his comments.



Warning! Some of this is very disturbing. The heart and soul of a bike is not something to be toyed with.

Holloween Street Glide Monster

This is either:

#1: The ramblings of a warped mind.

OR

#2: Proof I have way to much time on my hands.

Fork Sliders

Question: Y'all know how the clear coat on stock sliders gets a little pitted? Pretty soon they look like the pimply faced little buggers we did in high school. Has anyone found a method (that works) to restore them? Short of replacement or expensive stripping and polishing.

Winter Down Time

Got a email the other day asking if I had any winter storage tips. Yes I do. The email was from a BC member in Iowa. Does it snow there?

Tip #1 - I live in Central Calif., what the hell would I know about winter?

Tip #2 - If you leave your bike outside, in the snow, under a tarp, you don't deserve it. Send me the pink slip and I'll pick it up and give it a good home.

But seriously, if your bike will be stored for the winter they're a few things you can do to make springtime kickoff to road wars go smoother. There are two parts to prepping a bike for storage: the appearance / resale value of your investment and mechanical performance. Remember, these are thoughts that are in my mind (beware). If the way you do things works , keep doing them. I will not accept correspondence from any ones lawyer saying some asshole told me to do it like that.

Appearance: #1 Problem - Rust on chrome.

Wash and dry thoroughly. I have never washed a bike with a garden hose. I wipe the whole thing down with Windex (like I said: works for me). Next any rust on the chrome is removed with the #1 chrome polish used by detailers - #000 steel wool. Very cheap and long lasting. Do not use on paint, plastic or aluminum. Use on chrome and real glass only. Next all paint and chrome is waxed with Pledge/Endust. Again: cheap, works great. Very thin coat of wax stops oxidation. Waxes any paint I ever delt with. I would not use any wax on the new matte paint. Aluminum: I've found that Mothers and elbow grease works just fine. Leather bags/seat: I use a thin coat of plain old KIWI boot polish. Works for me. If you cover your bike use something that breathes. A bike cover, sheet, blanket. Don't use anything made of plastic, except one of those bike bubbles.

Mechanical Performance: #1 Problem - Fuel.

If the bike will not be started for a few months use a fuel stabilizer. STA-BIL w/injector cleaner is very good. Follow mfg. instructions. Close fuel valve / remove fuel pump fuse, run engine till it dies. If the bike is really close to due for service, do it. At the very least change the engine oil and filter. Pull the spark plugs, squirt a little engine oil in there, install plugs, crank engine for 2 -3 seconds. Lube everything. Steering, shift linkage, brake linkage all the moving parts. Check tire pressure, brake pads all that normal stuff you won't want to deal with when the day arrives to come out of hibernation. Hey, but if you ride all winter, like I do, disregard this whole damm thing and go have fun.

The best tool for all this cleaning and servicing crap is a bike lift. The one I've been using for years is the cheapo Sears Craftsman. Very stable, 1500 lb. capacity, foot operated up & down, 3 position lock bar, locking casters, leveling screws, around $100.00.

Santa Claus colors

A Nice Boring Day

The other day I was bored sh*tless. I looked at my old Ironhead. What don't I like about it? The foot controls suck, seat sucks, tank's to small, handle bars to far forward, to damm slow, etc... Started looking through boxes. Where did all this stuff come from? It's like a frigging swap meet in my garage. Lets see what will fit this thing. A whole bunch actually. So here's how to spend a nice boring day, second only to going on a ride, which this E1984 XLH does a whole lot better now.

Ask The Doc. Vol. 1

I've received several questions via email. So I guess it's time to start. This is open to any bike question. Any question deemed to be inappropriate will be forwarded to our parent company -AZ HOLE Performance- for proper disposition. Most of the questions I've received have been bike specific and answered by email. One caught my eye because it's on all bikes and little understood. Crankcase Vent System.

Question: My bike was starting to run a little rough so I pulled apart the air filter housing to see how dirty the filter was. (It's pretty dirty so I'll replace it.) Anyway, that's when I noticed the two hoses that run from the heads through the back of the air filter backing plate were cracked.(Correct me if I'm wrong but I think those are called the crank case breather hoses.) What are their purpose and what will it cause if they're cracked?

Answer: Good question. I'm glad you asked. I think we should study that. Oh wait, that's the answer from the Presidential Debate on TV.
If the hoses are worn and cracked they will suck unfiltered air into the engine, not good. But that's all. The crankcase breather system is part of the emission system. On the down (intake) stroke of each piston, the air in the crankcase has to go someplace, can no longer be vented to atmosphere. That's a big no-no. Very simply how it works: air displaced under the piston, through a series of passages, flows through the roller bearing, into the cam housing, up the pushrod tube, into the rocker box, at which point it is a air/oil mixture, passes through a gauze filter to remove oil, through a one way valve, into the head, through the drilled backplate bolts and hoses, back into the engine to be recycled. Now, the system can become clogged. Simple test: remove air cover and hoses. You should feel air coming out of drilled bolts. If system is clogged symptoms would be oil leaks at cases, pushrods, or oil lines and excessive exhaust smoke.

Any other questions? Feel free.

Humor vs Anger

I last saw this six or seven years ago. At the time I thought it was funny as hell. I found the CD the other day and watched it again. This time the message was different. Looking at it from the "fathers" perspective,the message seemed to be that: Well placed humor can sometimes get your point across better than misplaced anger.

Warning! Mild adult humor.

'09 Glide Envy

Anyone still having '09 Glide Envy, forget it! The few minor upgrades aren't worth the heartbreak. Your best bet ? Go ride your "old" bike and remember why you fell in lust to start with.

Time Sucks !

I have a dislike for watches. Don't own one, won't wear one. Watches were invented by some "corporate suit" so the masses would know when to "get your ass in here and make "ME" some money". Thirty years of slaving for "The Man", here's a watch. Time for you to go now. Besides, clocks are everywhere. Cell phones, banks, every wall of every office. Hell, your looking at one. Built in clocks on bikes, why? So when my wife showed me these pictures I thought "wow, that's way cool". What better way for symbols of corporate greed to be reincarnated than as symbols of freedom and the open road. A place where time is what "you want" it to be. Not what "The Man" says it "must" be.

Q & A

(Down joker! That's Q& A not T&A)
A lot of what I've read on bike forums sounds like it's been outsourced to India. Most dealer shops won't or can't give you a straight-up answer to shit.

I'm thinking about doing a bi-weekly or monthly post called: Ask The Doc, Ask The Dr., Ask Dr. Wrench or something like that. The idea is to take a half dozen or so technical / general bike related questions at each posting and try to actually resolve the issue, not make it worse. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much. But what I do know makes no sense to me either. If you don't like this idea stop me now... Well, no one stopped me so I guess I'll ramble on.

Typical / sample questions may / may not be:

Hey Doc: My '07 Deluxe has an intermittent miss around 70-80 mph. The dearler's tech rode it for about 5 min. and said the injectors are leaking. Is he correct ?
Signed: "Missing in Mississippi"

Dear Dr. W: What's the difference between blue, red & green loctite, and where should each be used ?
Signed: "Loose Nuts in Nantucket"

Dr. Wrench: My '84 HLX needs a new headlight every 3-4 months, WTF ?
Signed: "The Dark One"

Typical / sample anwser you may / may not get:

Yo Doc Dude: My bike leaks half a quart of oil every time I park it. What can I do ?
Signed: "Puddles in Pittsburg"
Answer: Park it in your neighbor's driveway, or - BUY A GASKET SET YOU MORON !

Although this would be a "free" service provided by B S Preformance Systems, (a subsidiary of AZ Hole Performance), it will require an expenditure of time & effort on someones part. So if your problem is resolved, and you feel that you must pay someone, donations may be made to: '09 Street Glide Foundation c/o Road Grits Cafe.

Harley-Davidson "Semi" Smart Security System

OK - time for the "Prospect" to earn his " Colors". For about the last year we've all heard the stories of No-Start failures on Harley's. Most of what I've heard assumes the security system to be at fault. All seem to be at fuel stops - coincidence ? I want to do some research & testing on this issue. Anyone who has had this failure and wants to help raise their hand. Good... Hey ! You in the back, pay attention ! Thank you. Now, where was I ? Oh yea. What I need from... Sorry, you can put your hands down now. What I need from anyone with this failure is year & model, any downloads (Stage 1, 2), any DTC's stored in the ECM ( I'll get to that in a minute). A description of the failure : did the lights work- turn, break,head, dash lights ? Did engine crank/ not crank ? DID YOU RESET TRIP METER BEFORE / AFTER FUELING ? ( Don't ask yet, I'm just getting started on the Failure Analysis). Name / brand of gas station. You get the idea, the more detail the better. Plus, I would prefer description's of the failure be sent email. Some of them may be somewhat lengthy, so I think email would be easier (link on profile page).
Now, getting the DTC's from the ECM. Note: This is for stock ECM. Any aftermarket ECM or Tuner - contact mfg. For every test, handlebar OFF/RUN switch must be in the RUN position. DO NOT START ENGINE !!!

DTC: Diagnostic Trouble Code
H-DSSS: Harley-Davidson Smart Security System
ECM: Electronic Control Module
TSM: Turn Signal Module
TSSM: Turn Signal / Security Module
HFSM: Hands Free Security Module
SP: Speedometer

Make sure all fuses are good and correct size. Off/Run in RUN position, trans. in neutral.

Test 1 : Quick Systems Check.
Turn ign. on - watch dash lights - all dash lights should come on then turn off. Check eng. light should turn off in 4 sec. - all systems are normal. If check eng. light stays on for 8 sec. or turns off then comes back on, you have issues. Note: oil & neutral light will stay on - depending on configuration. Turn off ign. End Test 1.

Test 2 : WOW Test (don't ask, have no idea).
Any logged codes will look like U1064, P0605, B1145 etc...
Push & hold odometer reset - turn ign. on - immediately release reset. Speedometer / Tach should sweep full range - dash lights come on then turn off - same as in Test 1. Leave ign. on.
"diag" should be in the LCD screen. You are now in Diagnostic Mode. Note: to exit Diag. Mode at any time, turn ign. off and start over. Now, with "diag" in the LCD :
Note: press means press & release quick - hold means hold till screen changes.
Press reset
PSSPT in screen
P is flashing - this will check ECM for codes
Hold reset - what you see are stored codes for the ECM - if none it will read "none"
Press reset - what you see is part# for ECM Module
Press reset
PSSPT in screen
Press reset to scroll to S flashing
S flashing - this will check TSM / TSSM / HFSM for codes
Repeat as above to SP flashing
SP flashing - this will check Speedometer for codes
Repeat as above to T flashing
T flashing - this will check Tach for codes - if none installed will read "no rsp"
Turn ign off. Your done. Record any codes.

If you had a No-Start failure, you may or may not have any logged codes. A fault that happens once, and does not happen again will be auto cleared after 50 ign. cycles (stupid softwear).


lady ridesalot : Did I pass the initiation, do I get my colors? Not one LOL in the whole post!!!
Oh wait... I just did it, ah shit ! Do I at least get a tee shirt ? LOL ;)

West Coast vs. East Coast or East Coast vs. West Coast Durning The Winter

With Winter due to grace us with Her presence any day now, and having lived on the East Coast for 22 years, I decided to reminisce about some of the reasons I got the hell out of there !

For those of you who live where it doesn't snow, this does not apply to you. For those that don't, read on.



• West Coast - mow the lawn all winter (but you can ride your bike)


• East Coast - shovel snow all winter (try to ride your bike)



• West Coast - rains sometime (but you can ride your bike)


• East Coast - hails sometimes (try to ride your bike)



• West Coast - foggy sometimes (but you can ride your bike)


• East Coast - sleet sometimes (try to ride your bike)




• West Coast - chilly sometimes (but you can ride your bike)


• East Coast - blizzards sometimes (try to ride your bike)

Those who still live where it snows, what the hell is wrong with you ? Have you no respect for your bike ? Didn't your Mama raise you better than that ? You leave Her in that damp, dark, freezing garage. Alone, no companionship for months at a time. You occasionally push Her out into that brown slush that covers everything. You violate Her undercarriage with salt and sand, rusting Her beautiful frame (except the '08 FLHX), destroying Her taunt wiring harness.

This has got to stop ! We must put a end to Bike Abuse ! Get the hell out of there ! Move to the West Coast and start the Biker Nation as it was meant to be. Let the Revolution begin !

(PS - No Snowmen were harmed in the making of this Post)

Hole In My Garage

Yesterday four bikes in my garage, today three. This mourning I sat and looked at the hole that bike # four should be in. What have I done ? It was like selling one of your kids. It hurt. Was she really gone ? SOLD, loaded in a trailer an on the road. This was her first time in a trailer. I saw her wink a tail light at me . A 1996

Yamaha Royal Star Tour Classic, bought new in '96. I looked closer and... WTF was that in the corner ? It was my '78 FXS Shovel that I started to rebuild about two years ago. Why have I not finished it ? I remember at least a dozen times moving the other bikes to work on it. Then it hit me! By the time I could move three bikes out of the garage, one of them would somehow magically start, kick itself in gear and hit the road (there is always tomorrow).

Well, it's time to finish it. I'll post pics along the way. The highpoints and the lowpoints.

FLHX Dave will be along for the trip, so there should be some ammussing stuff. Sorry Dave, but

after seeing you use a stick and a rock (so easy a caveman can do it ?) to fix Brother Wolf's muffler, I think some tech tips will be comming your way.